Since its inception, my France trip has sort of been a plan of conflict.

A chance to watch the Olympics live? Hell yeah! ¹
A chance to live out a childhood dream of residing in France for a couple months? Hell yeah!!
Except August is also the most excited I’ve been to go all-in on spinning up a coaching business… which I can’t really do while I’m on vacation in France.

I had another experience this past year of feeling guilt/FOMO about taking a vacation when I wanted to be working on projects, and what helped greatly was introspecting and processing and coming to accept that (1) yes I would like to work on projects, but (2) I also want this vacation and to have a good time and that time is also a gift to myself, so let me consciously choose this trade-off so I can be fully present on my vacation to enjoy it to the fullest.

I tried to reach that same acceptance this time too buuuuut it didn’t really work. So now I’m one week into the final leg of my trip (a month-long stay in Paris) and there’s this pit of discomfort that’s found itself in my stomach.

If I work (fun), I also think “well why the hell am I wasting resources staying in Paris if I’m just going to be inside my airbnb all day?”
If I go sightseeing (fun), I also think “OK, but I’m kinda hitting my limit on my sightseeing. Also I feel like I’m just consuming, when I want to be producing.”

If I cook for myself in my airbnb (fun, healthy), I also think “why am I sitting here eating chicken breast?”
If I eat out (yum), I also think “this is starting to get a bit indulgent, in food or cost or both”

One thing that still feels good though, whether in Paris or SF, is hitting the gym and getting those post-workout endorphins. Writing feels good too.

I’m not entirely sure where to go from here, but I’m figuring it out. Some scattered thoughts include:

• Binary A-or-B thinking is a trap, life isn’t just either/or, there’s balance to be had
• But also there’s value in whole-assing one thing, vs half-assing two things
• Recognize the resistance, embrace it, ask it questions out of genuine curiosity, follow whatever feels strongest at the moment
• Do what feels good ²
• The root of this conflict is probably just the self-worth stuff again – me feeling like I haven’t done enough and I’m not doing enough (and if only I could do enough, then that would make me feel like enough)

Anyway, I’m going to shower (I’m writing this post-gym) and then go outside and touch grass. Then we’ll see what else I feel like doing.