I’m officially on sabbatical!
I started my leave from work on June 5, but I immediately went on a 2-week vacation to Tokyo. Now I’m settled back in, and getting to work. And so, in July 2023, it really begins.
I’ve written previously about what I’d like to accomplish during my little incubator: in short, writing a lot and starting up some form of tech career coaching. But two weeks in and I already feel a bit unmoored.
now that I'm fully on sabbatical/break, I get what people mean when they say you can get lost in the sauce. it's way too easy to get distracted lol
— billy (@billyisyoung) July 3, 2023
I think I need to put together a goals/mood/vibe board to remind myself what the top few items I actually care about are
Maybe this is part of the process though: finding my footing, while trying to Do The Thing and keep moving in some general direction I know I want to go, and see what happens. Explore and expand. (And also keep an eye out for any uncomfortable or scary feelings that come up and try to understand them better.)
In the meantime, I’ve set up that vision board in my notes (made up of blog posts and fanfic and videos that inspire me to want to create), and I’ll keep plugging away. (I also joined the 2nd cohort of Give Your Gift, which also just started, and I’m excited to see how this goes!)
Something pesky that’s remained in the back of my mind is this underlying fear of failure–though not a fear of Failure itself, but what Failing might represent. (Though maybe that’s always what fear of failure is about, actually. Hmmm.)
Fear of “That’s it?”: where I discover that all of my good ideas for making a career change aren’t really going to work out, and so my only option is to return to a job that has become tedious and unfulfilling.
Fear of mediocrity (I’m still working on putting words to this one, so this will have to do): where I look for my worth in my abilities, and I try hard and still end up being mediocre.
But also!
I think these, like with most fears, are some adaptive associations learned in my past, which have now become maladaptive (in that I don’t think they’re true and yet they still manage to colour my decision-making). And I’ll continue trying to integrate these fears, through examining the root of these feelings and slowly digesting the related negative emotions. It looks like it’s going to take a while though, as these feelings are sort of being unearthed by the nature of my sabbatical–when it’s just me working on the exact things I want to be working on, with nowhere to hide and no other authorities to defer meaning-making to.
Another thing I try to remind myself of is to beware of the Ego when it comes to creating work, and especially when making judgements about the outcomes of that work. To “let go of the fruits” and let go of what I want to happen, and to let what happens happen. (More on this here.)
Lots to think about from the first ~2 weeks!