Covers Nov 2023 to Jan 2024.
After the dust settled in October, my experiences and my new mindset coalesced into these two goals:
Continue to do the creative work that I love, and do whatever I need to in order to sustain this; while in the background:
Rewire myself away from grasping for external validation of my work as a necessary component of my worth, and toward cultivating an internal wellspring of self-worth
With (2), I realize now, truly realize, that a big part of me doesn’t like myself.
The writing was on the wall, though, for a long time. The negative self-talk (“I’m an idiot!” or “Tsk, that was dumb”). That little trail of darkness that led toward the root of my desire to do better, that I turned my eyes away from and didn’t want to follow. The desire to Be Better. And the harshness which I employed to try to fulfill that desire, that would sometimes leak out into my interactions with other people.
(Side thought I had recently: is there this bit of darkness inside all those who tend J on the MBTI?)
There’s this feeling of confused shame that arises when I admit to myself that I don’t really like me. How can I not like myself? The only existence I’ve got is this one, my own! Also, there’s so much to like! Also, only people with issues don’t like themselves, and I couldn’t be one of those people. And yet, it rings True.
Accepting this feels a bit icky to me still in some unclear way, but it’s also freeing. It makes sense! I’m starting to notice more when I’m making certain decisions where I want to be seen as good, and noticing that I want to be liked (by myself or someone else).
Though it could also just be like this evergreen tweet.
So what now?
haha imagine if by the end of this year I successfully rewire my brain through internal and external work to build a vast wellspring of self-love that becomes a cornerstone of my self-worth and being haha that'd be crazy right haha
— billy (@billyisyoung) January 3, 2024
Well, I want to start liking myself. I want to have a healthy, internalized sense of self-worth. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say I want Self-Love.
As for actual actions, from what I’ve read plus talking with my therapist, this all takes a rewiring of the neurons in the brain. Negative self-talk must become positive self-talk, and this must become unconscious.
This kind of rewiring takes many months, and looks something like:
Be aware of the negative thoughts, or grasping at external validation -> when the thoughts arise, be curious, examine and investigate them -> propose and reinforce some new, more positive thoughts that you believe. Meanwhile, just keep living your life.
Other things I’ll be looking into:
I’ll see how things are going at the end of Q1 2024 or so. But I’m excited and optimistic :)
(Interestingly, it feels like NOW I’m in a state where I’m able to really fully enjoy my sabbatical. Like, what I’m feeling and doing now are what I think people expect when I say I’m on sabbatical, except it took me a whole Act I to get here 😂)