Inspired by this post, and the question “What do I love?”
(If you like, you can skip ahead to the prescriptive stuff.)
I feel like some people will find this question absurd, because to them it’s obvious. “You like what you like,” or, “you just know, you can feel it.” But you only ask the question when it becomes a question; there are times when the answer is very not-obvious.
Looking back at my own life, I see that my sense of what I liked was muddy, a melting pot of what I wanted, what I thought I wanted, what I thought I should be doing, what I didn’t even know I wanted, and more. I made decisions based on what I found fun, but also based on other ego-desires looking to be fulfilled, like wanting to be successful, or wanting to be a Good Boy, or wanting to feel like I was better than others, or wanting to be relied upon.
And honestly this worked for me for most of my 20s. I enjoyed my life. I got sh*t done. But at some point cracks started to appear. There was a feeling of discord that wasn’t noticeable at first, but started to build and build. And it wasn’t going away, to the point where I had to ask myself: “What are we going to do about this?”
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things that are useful to figure out for yourself (non-comprehensive):
— billy (@billyisyoung) June 16, 2024
- your needs
- what you like
- what you can do for hours on end
- how to take care of yourself
- how you like to work
- how you like to play
- your misconceptions about reality
I’ve started to think that a life well-lived is one where you’re living with a sense of internal harmony. You have agency, you are making decisions and moving in the direction you want to be moving in, and you are fully aware of the trade-offs that you’re opting in to.
You know what you like, and you are Doing Things that you’re proud of.
… so how do we actually do this?
A quick disclaimer: I’m just a guy writing words on the internet. Maybe what I’m about to say works, maybe I find out a year from now that I was totally off base. Really the core thing to do is just look within yourself; you know what is harmonious for you, you know what you like.
Try stuff, do things, and then check in with yourself. (And be honest.)
Develop sensitivity to the feeling of Liking stuff. There’s a muscle there, a sense organ to be attuned and trained. And there’s a lot of external interference to filter out.
In a similar vein, develop sensitivity to what harmony feels like for you.
Introspect. Some prompts that I like to revisit: 1
Develop awareness of when you are seeking answers externally. E.g. What are other people doing? How do I beat this person? I want what she has. This is a trap, since the answers you actually want are within you, and won’t be found external to you. 2
At some point recently, I fell back to asking myself “Is this it?". I’ve been doing what I like, now where does this lead? Or is this ultimately just a form of hedonism? But now with the ideas of ‘harmony’ and ’taking care of yourself’, I think I’m more OK with it.
Nurture your harmony. Take care of yourself. Build what you enjoy building, and eventually do it in community.
That feels pretty good. That feels sufficient. If things start devolving into hedonism or if disharmony starts to spread, I think I’ll realize it (eventually), and then course-correct. Otherwise, I’m on the path and moving forward, and that’s all I can really hope for day to day.
Dr. K talks Meaning, Purpose, and Motivation — lecture where I got this idea of ‘harmony’ from, that I’ve been liking a lot
‘I’m 35 and I Feel Like a Shell of a Person!’ — Ask Polly
“I don’t know who I am, and at the same time, I dislike who I am and how I act. I’ve spent my life molding myself to please those around me, seeking their approval, trying to make them laugh, often at my own expense. This has left me feeling like a fraud, unable to live according to my values (whatever they are)”
— a snippet from the letter-writer, The Eldest and Saddest Immigrant Daughter
This tweet, not just limited to tech bros:
One thing all the tech bros don’t realize is that taste isn’t about liking all the *right* things.
— mkay (@m_kaytweets) June 14, 2024
It’s about liking all the *you* things. Having an informed, idiosyncratic view of the world. Strictly aligning yourself with the pillars others have deeemd worthy is a failure of…
A friend asked me to share some of my answers to these introspection prompts, so here we go:
1. What I like / what do I value? See here.
2. Moments when I had the most fun? Often related to music or raucous times with close friends.
3. What am I a sicko about? Probably self-development, and cooking videos. This makes up the majority of my (many) hours spent on youtube.
4. Am I taking sufficient care of myself? This prompt got me to finally do a bunch of apartment cleaning which has felt nice now that it’s done :)
5. What would help me feel more internal harmony? ^ + being a bit more social recently and searching for peers ↩︎
There’s this snippet from Rick Rubin with John Mayer that is forever lodged in my brain that I think is relevant here, where John Mayer talks about imitating Blues legends when he was a kid, vs eventually playing alongside them live:
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JM: “Because, it’s one thing to play along with a Buddy Guy record from 1972. It’s another thing to play in the same moment with the same supply of oxygen as Buddy Guy. You have a point of reference for the moment, the same as he has, so everything he’s playing in that moment, that’s the university lesson. That’s the highest… that’s your doctorate right there. When you hear someone else in that moment playing, and you’re grabbing from the same moment, and you hear what they do, that’s the best teacher in the world. … I could give you BB King-ish, I could give you Eric [Clapton]-ish, I could give you Stevie Ray Vaughan-ish.”
RR: “But not by duplicating what they did, but playing over the grooves that they’re playing over, and understanding the style of what they’re doing. More becoming them, instead of copying them.”
JM: “That’s right. That’s right. Seek what they’re seeking, don’t seek them.” ↩︎